I feel like a burden.
If I fall sick...
Like permanantly, terminally sick sick...
I probably would not tell anyone at all.
Not Jo.
Not my dad.
Not anyone.
Why?
Cos I would be a burden.
My dad, unlike most of you people who think he is rich and all that, is actually not that rich.
Okay?
He is not.
He earns enough to maintain living in a private house and driving a Lexus but that does not mean he is fucking rich okay?
And besides, we are selling of the house.
So you get the rough idea of where we are heading financially..
Every time he comes home from overseas, he would nagged at me about the same things over and over again.
Not that I blame him.
It's my fault really..
I should know what to do, I should heed his words, but I dont.
Every time he laments that if one day I fell sick, who's to pay the hospital bills?
How unfair it wld be for him to deal with this whole shit once more.
How he hates coming home cos coming home make him feel worse cos he sees the same thing happening and nobody is listening to him.
Nobody meaning me.
How he feels that nobody can help , nobody can do anything for him.
I feel like a nobody.
I feel useless and incapable.
I feel torn inside.
Ripped apart.
But he wont believe it..
No he wont cos in his mind , I never cared.
Maybe he's right....
I havent been doing anything that shows that I care.
What kind of a daughter am I?
If God forbids, I get cancer, I will let the cancer eat me up inside.
Just like it did to my mum.
But I will tell no one.
No one at all.
I may be writing this out on public but really how many of you people who knows me read this shit?
Hw many?
And even if you do, why would you even care?
So yea.
Im writing all this fuckin crazy shit down on this site cos I know it doesnt matter.
No one will realize.
Maybe except for Jo.
And if you read this, Im sorry.
I will not allow myself to burden you either.
You do not deserve to have your life cut short just because of me.
I wont allow you to do that.
I wont tell my dad cos the fuckin bills would be too expensive.
And I think I will die a lil more just seeing the disappointed, devastated look on his face.
I rather not.
So yea maybe I will die young.
Maybe I wont live till 30 or 40 like my mum.
That's alright with me.
Whats there for me in life anyway?